Therapy in LA

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March 2012
WHAT IS COMPANIONING?
By Sandy Plone, Ph.D.

Alan D. Wolfelt, a highly respected author and bereavement counselor, coined the term “Companioning” to describe the act of being present with a person who has experienced or is experiencing loss. This allows the person to mourn, which is different from grieving. Grief is an emotional process, while mourning is a social process requiring the presence of another to bear enlightened witness to one’s grief.

We live in a culture that discourages public grief, and expects us to “soldier on.” Family, friends, and many helping professionals too often view grief as an illness, suggesting medication and having the expectation that one quickly returns to a “normal” life that actually no longer exists. While grief does have a physical dimension that may, at times, require the help of medication, it is not an illness from which one needs to “recover.”

When a person finds him or herself isolated and fearful of burdening others after a profound loss, the services of a professional may help. Psychotherapy can promote healing by encouraging insight, effecting change and problem solving, and offering the empathy and understanding that friends or family may avoid, as they feel overwhelmed by the strong feelings being expressed. Many losses may be going on simultaneously, such as loss of a spouse, financial changes, physical changes due to illness or aging, divorce, “empty nest” as children grow and leave, depression, or a recent horrible diagnosis for self or loved ones – and the list goes on.

“Companioning” is about walking alongside, rather than leading, and honoring all dimensions of the spirit, not only the intellect. The goal is not necessarily healing. In contrast, the therapist and the client together explore the meaning of the loss or transition and how best to survive and integrate it. Another way to describe this process is that the therapist and the client go on an archeological “dig,” curious (without judgment) as to what they will find as they plumb the depths of the client’s mind, feelings and psyche.

There is no escaping loss in this life, or avoiding the painful feelings that accompany it, just as there is no “cure” for losing someone precious to us. There is hope however, that a potential exists to negotiate the journey in such a way as to achieve profound growth in one’s mental, physical, emotional and spiritual realms. My life’s work is helping people who are struggling with major changes to make sense of, and find meaning from, their experiences.

Dr. Sandy Plone is a licensed psychologist and a member of the Independent Psychotherapy Network for many years. She can be reached at (310) 979-7473 for confidential questions or e-mailed at dr.splone@verizon.net.

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